More dating advice from Oliver Burkeman

You may recognise Oliver Burkeman's name from his Guardian column, called This Column Will Change Your Life. A collection of his columns Help!: How to Become Slightly Happier and Get a Bit More Done has just been released by Canongate Books. It's a witty and thought-provoking exploration that punctures many of self-help's most popular myths, while also offering clear-headed, practical and often counter-intuitive advice on a range of subjects. In part 2 of our interview we asked Oliver to turn his attention to the world of online dating.

You suggest that 'compatability...is something built from inside a relationship, and that love can be conciously created. All that two partners need to share, at the outset, is a willingness to try.' Bearing this in mind, would you advise against being too fussy when it comes to choosing potential dates? Could we fall for anyone of we tried hard enough?

Not literally anyone, I suspect. But research does strongly suggest that seeking a compatible partner is a misunderstanding of what makes relationships tick: having lots of shared likes and dislikes doesn't seem to have much to do with it and neither is it the case that 'opposites attract'. Rather, what takes a relationship beyond the initial chemistry (which is still very important) is that focussed willingness to try to make it work. Maybe it won't but you'll stand a much better chance if you aren't constantly looking over your date's shoulder for a potentially more "compatible" alternative.

The question for perfectionism in life, whether it be a job, house, relationship or anything is something that is easy to be caught up in. We are all aware that we ourselves are not perfect so does it make sense to hold out for the 'perfect person' when it comes to relationships or would we be better off 'making do' with someone we can be with right now?

Neither! The choice isn't between waiting for the perfect person and settling for an imperfect one, because the perfect person doesn't exist. The point of letting go of the fruitless pursuit of perfection is definitely not to abandon all your standards and settle for anybody or anything. Rather, once you grasp that everybody and everything is imperfect - that nobody'd going to make you perfectly happy - you have a much better yardstick for for judging whether someone's right for you. If the standard to meet is perfection, every potential partner will fail: you've guarenteed that right from the start. Embracing perfection equips you with the ability to distinguish between, say, the potential date who seems like they might end up murdering your pets, versus the one who just isn't quite as tall or stylish or sporty as you'd always imagined your ideal partner would be.

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